missing

Missing ... I've been doing my fair share of it lately. Some of my missing is for those who are gone forever, some for friends whom I haven't seen in a long time, some for people I may not see again.  Missing is funny like that.  It sort of adjusts to fit the situation. The missing I feel in all of those instances is real, but different.  It's a lot like water.  It fills in the available space.  When I'm busier or my brain is preoccupied, there's less room for the missing.  When my mind or heart is wide open, the missing fills it.  There's an ebb and flow to it, but it's always there.  Sometimes memories hit you unexpectedly, like a splash of cold water.  A gasp of intense missing. Sometimes you just sort of float along with it... 

Today would have been my grandmother's 90th birthday. I remember the moment I realized she was going to die and the missing started. It feels like what I imagine drowning must feel like...overwhelming, can't breathe, disbelief.  She's been gone several months, but the missing is still ever-present.

In the case of my mother-in-law, the missing started while she was still with us...as Alzheimer's took her memory and her spirit, bit-by-bit, I missed her for years.  You can miss someone even when you're sitting right next to her.  Now that she's gone I miss her differently, but completely.

Like swimming against the tide, I'm thinking missing is something you can't fight.  Maybe you just have to go with it...allow it to wash over you.  Let your memories hold you afloat...